Why Your Anxious Child Isn’t “Being Difficult” - And What’s Really Going On
If you have ever watched your child dissolve into tears before school, refuse to attend a birthday party they were excited about the day before, or spend the night before a test convinced they are going to fail — you have probably felt a familiar mix of concern, confusion, and maybe a little frustration. “Just go. It will be fine”, “You did this last year and you were okay”, “I don’t understand why this is such a big deal”.
These are reasonable things to say. They are also, unfortunately, some of the least effective responses to a child in the grip of anxiety. Not because you are doing anything wrong, but because anxiety in children does not respond to logic — and understanding why changes everything.
Anxiety Is Not Defiance
One of the most common misconceptions parents bring into my office is that their child’s anxious behavior is a choice. That if their child “really wanted to,” they could walk into that classroom, go to that sleepover, or try that new food without the meltdown. The behavior can certainly look like stubbornness. But what is actually happening is something quite different.
When a child perceives a threat — and the anxious brain is very good at detecting threats, including ones that are not objectively dangerous — the brain’s alarm system activates. The amygdala, which processes fear, sends a signal that overrides the thinking, reasoning parts of the brain. This is the fight-or-flight response, and it is not under voluntary control. Your child is not choosing to be overwhelmed. Their nervous system is doing exactly what it was designed to do.
This matters practically because reasoning with a child mid-anxiety is like trying to have a calm conversation with someone who is convinced the building is on fire. The information cannot get in. First, the alarm has to come down.
What Anxiety Actually Looks Like in Children
Anxiety in children does not always look like worry. Many parents are surprised to learn that what they interpreted as anger, avoidance, or physical complaints was anxiety presenting in disguise. Common presentations include:
Stomachaches or headaches that appear before school, social events, or transitions, and resolve once the event is avoided
Irritability or emotional outbursts that seem disproportionate to the situation
Reassurance-seeking — asking “what if” questions repeatedly even after you’ve answered them
Avoidance of new situations, foods, people, or environments
Difficulty sleeping, particularly resistance to sleeping alone or intrusive nighttime fears
Clinginess or difficulty separating from parents in contexts that feel unpredictable
Many of these behaviors are developmentally normal in mild forms. It is when they are persistent, intensifying, or starting to limit the child’s ability to participate in everyday life that they warrant closer attention.
The Accommodation Trap
Here is the hardest part for parents to hear, because it runs completely counter to instinct: when we consistently help our children avoid the things they are anxious about, we inadvertently make the anxiety stronger.
This is called accommodation, and it is one of the most well-documented factors in the maintenance and escalation of childhood anxiety. When a child is afraid of the dark and a parent sleeps beside them every night, the child never learns that they can tolerate the discomfort of being alone. When a child is anxious about social situations and a parent consistently makes excuses to decline invitations, the child never has the experience of surviving the thing they feared.
Anxiety feeds on avoidance. Every time the feared situation is escaped, the brain receives a signal that the threat was real and the escape was necessary. The anxiety grows. This is not about being a hard parent or denying your child support. It is about understanding that the most compassionate long-term response to anxiety is not elimination of discomfort but gradual, supported exposure to it.
What Actually Helps
The good news is that childhood anxiety is one of the most treatable mental health challenges we see. A few principles that make a meaningful difference:
Validate before you redirect
Before offering a solution or a reassurance, acknowledge what your child is feeling. “I can see this feels really scary for you” lands very differently than “You’re going to be fine.” One signals that you see them; the other signals that their experience is wrong. Children who feel understood are far more receptive to what comes next.
Limit reassurance-giving
This is counterintuitive, but repeated reassurance — “You’ll be fine, I promise”, again and again — actually reinforces anxious thinking by training the child to rely on external input to manage their internal state. A single, warm acknowledgment is more useful than ten repetitions. Help your child learn to tolerate uncertainty rather than eliminate it.
Be a calm, confident presence
Children are exquisitely attuned to their parents’ emotional state. When a parent becomes anxious about their child’s anxiety, that signal is transmitted. Projecting calm and quiet confidence — “I know this is hard, and I know you can handle it” — is genuinely regulating for a child’s nervous system, even when it does not look like it is working in the moment.
Move toward the fear gradually
Work with your child to identify small, manageable steps toward the feared situation rather than full avoidance or sudden full exposure. A child who is afraid of the school cafeteria might first walk past it, then sit at a quiet table briefly, before working up to a full lunch. Each successful step builds genuine confidence — not because the fear disappears, but because the child discovers they can manage it.
When to Seek Professional Support
Parenting strategies go a long way, but they have limits. If your child’s anxiety is significantly interfering with school attendance, friendships, family functioning, or their own sense of wellbeing, professional support is worth considering — not as a last resort, but as an early and effective investment in your child’s development.
Therapy for anxious children typically involves helping them understand what anxiety is and why it happens, building a toolkit of coping skills, and working through feared situations in a gradual, structured way — always at the child’s pace and always with their active participation. Parent involvement is a critical part of this process.
If you are a parent in the Pasadena or Los Angeles area with concerns about your child’s anxiety, I welcome you to reach out. An initial consultation is a low-stakes opportunity to share what you are observing and explore whether therapy might be a useful next step.
"Time Affluence" & "Mind Forged Manacles"
Dr. Laurie Santos explores the psychological benefits of decluttering our calendars and planners. Her discussion with co-founder of Idler, Tom Hodgkinson presents the potential benefits of time spent wandering, thinking, and napping on leading happy, fulfilled, and creative lives. This podcast helps listeners think about how to “give ourselves the benefit of time“.
Singapore Connect Community Forum - Mental Health & COVID-19
Singapore Connect is a voluntary non-profit organization supporting a community of overseas Singaporeans.
Featured as a guest speaker on the weekly COVID-19 Community forum, Dr. Benjamin addresses several mental health concerns and answers questions from community members.
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Dr. Jamie Howard from the Child Mind Institute describes strategies for parents to consider to help children manage their anxiety and questions about the current health crisis.
Child Mind Institute. (2020, March 9). Coronavirus disease (COVID-19) Get the latest information from the CDC about COVID-19. CDC How to Talk to Kids About the Coronavirus. Retrieved March 13, 2020, from https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=214&v=WhVad8ToCiU&feature=emb_title
Talking to Children about the Caronavirus (Part I)
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Dr. Annie Simpson explores the societal impact the novel coronavirus or COVID-19 presents while also outlining helpful pointers for parents. To access the article, click here.
Simpson, A. (2020, February 19). How to Talk to Your Anxious Child About the Coronavirus. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/anxiety-is-not-the-boss/202002/how-talk-your-anxious-child-about-the-coronavirus
Managing Child Nightmares
Bedtime fears and nightmares may arise due to various reasons in children. Although psychotherapy and parenting consultations offer a tailored and comprehensive approach to addressing nightmares, there are various things parents and caregivers can do at home to help children facing these challenges. The National Sleep Foundation offers an array of strategies parents and caregivers can explore. To learn more about the National Sleep Foundation’s recommendations on managing bedtime fears and nightmares, click here.
Mindell, J. (2010, June). Nightmares in Children: Solutions & Answers. Retrieved from https://www.sleepfoundation.org/articles/children-and-bedtime-fears-and-nightmares.
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The host’s special guest, USC Dean of Religious Life - Varun Soni, further discuss how trends in social media and technology use contribute to rising levels of loneliness and mental illness among young adult college students. As professors are challenged to meet the high demand of students wanting to enroll in classes like “Friendship 101“ while young people “speak with their thumbs and not their tongues” Rainn, Wilson, and Soni engage in a meaningful discussion on the social and emotional pitfalls facing teenagers and young adults across the country today.
To listen to the podcast, click here.
Cigna. (2018). Cigna 2018 U.S. Loneliness Index. Retrieved from https://www.cigna.com/assets/docs/newsroom/loneliness-survey-2018-fact-sheet.pdf.
Rainn, W., & Aslan, R. (2019, September 25). Retrieved from https://luminarypodcasts.com/listen/soulpancake/metaphysical-milkshake/why-are-we-so-lonely/1db625ef-8a9d-4048-87b5-d2c5b7093df2
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Gnaulati, E. (2013, December). The Therapeutic Use of Rough-And-Tumble Play. Play Therapy Magazine, 12-15.
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Steele, B. (2019, May 09). How to manage your child's screen time.
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Given the rise of various electronic devises, digital connectivity, and access points to gaming parents face a significant challenge in creating and sustaining a healthy environment for children and teens. The American Psychological Association recognizes this and offers various guidelines informed by the American Academy of Pediatrics recommendations for children’s media use. To read more, click here.
American Psychological Association. (2019). Digital Guidelines: Promoting Healthy Technology Use for Children.